HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
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Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house