Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
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*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Has there ever been a more American story?
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Social distancing in Australia:
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes