Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
You Might Also Like
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no