Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
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I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
The cake is mightier than the sword.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation