Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
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Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Found my door mat
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
this is 10/10 content no notes
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope