Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
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5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother