Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
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Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Wait for it
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases