Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Lmao 🤣
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????