Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
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*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
guilty
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.