@melibuff

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

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@Jake_Vig

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

@TwinSurvivalist

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

@WilliamAder

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

@markedly

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

@Chhapiness

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

@24HourBitching

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

@claire_mudie

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

@lizzzzzielogan

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

@snatch_stache

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

@JimGaffigan

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.