her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
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“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Got ya covered
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.