Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
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Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
how high up are we talkin’?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.