HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
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I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
What if all the cashiers are married?
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.