Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
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liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*