HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
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My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
subtitles are so good nowadays
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.