Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
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“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.