Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.