HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
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I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Me My dog
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
This cat wants you to take your pills
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.