Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
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Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Happy birthday to all the women
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.