@bewgtweets

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

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@Jesssicle

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

@BuckyIsotope

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

@burgerkrang

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

@Laser_Cat

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

@Jake_Vig

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

@KatieBurnett

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

@BelleIsAMom

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

@TheBoydP

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

@topaz_kell

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare