Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

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Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.


Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.


freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door


*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!


If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.


Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate


Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.


A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.


Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare