@StevieKnip What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
@bewgtweets Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
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@StevieKnip 
@Jesssicle Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
@BuckyIsotope Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
@burgerkrang freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
@Laser_Cat *two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
@Jake_Vig If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
@KatieBurnett Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
@BelleIsAMom Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
@TheBoydP A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
@topaz_kell Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare