Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
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I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Please do it!
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.