Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
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Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Sing it!
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.