her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
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Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
We all have our pet causes.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Black Friday “markdowns” like
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”