her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
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Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.