@panmidwest

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

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@torrami

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

@ojedge

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

@Gott_Partikel

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

@danielmarven

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

@UNDEADTRESOR

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

@Kingadrock914

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

@shaun__gunner

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

@TheRolo

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

@CroweJam

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.