HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
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How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
translated into Canadian
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.