Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
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When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Noah
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.