HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
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*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Google Pay be like:
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery