Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

[Super Villain Team Tryouts]

COACH: Tell me what you can do

MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal

LOKI: I’m a god

THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: It’s a surprise!

Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.