Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
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How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I’m listening
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
*seductively eats two tums*
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few