Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
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Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*