Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
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[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it