HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
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Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.