Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
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Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
A double negative is a big no-no.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL