Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
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*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.