Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
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Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
12. I think about this all the damn time
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I have questions??
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous