In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
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I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.