“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊
[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
You Might Also Like
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.