HER: Take a shower with me. 馃槉
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 馃槉[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
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I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Maybe I鈥檓 like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They鈥檙e all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I鈥檓 not sure you know exactly where you are
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I鈥檓 sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
greetings!
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what鈥檚 with the robe
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince