Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
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Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.