HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
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[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
He’s cranky this morning
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys