her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
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I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
$3 #books
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR