Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
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I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway