her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
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My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Was it something I said?
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse