her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
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i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
They’re stuck in your pants?
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.