Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
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My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I put the h in mysterious.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date