Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
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If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?