[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
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I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
what could possibly go wrong?
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍