her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
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“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Wait for it
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
There’s always that one guy
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
😂😂😂
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away