HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
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Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric