Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
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[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.