@girl_a_whirl

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

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@yenniwhite

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

@mcdadstuff

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

@bridger_w

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

@JennyJohnsonHi5

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

@NYC_Blonde

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily

@thedad

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?

@maxhaarhaus

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

@Donna_McCoy

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.