Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
You Might Also Like
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?