when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
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I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.