her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
You Might Also Like
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground