[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys
[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
You Might Also Like
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.