Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
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to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*